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My illness completely ruined my academic career.
It wiped out my dreams, my opportunities, and my admiration.
I blame my illness but mostly I blame myself.
I blame myself for not taking precautions.
For denying I am ill.
I let my illness ruin my dreams.
And I can’t stop crying about it because I don’t know what I do to fix it.
What I could do to make it right.
What I could do start again.
All I could is cry.
Bringing my past into my present.
I don’t have the money or the motivation to get the help I need. So instead I just sit here with both physical and psychological problems.
You don’t ask for the hiccups. It’s not your fault you have them. You didn’t choose to have them, and they’re horrible. They’re constant, they hurt, they make you angry and sad and you can’t function.
If you try really really really hard, you can actually stop the hiccups. But it’s often so hard, it’s easier to live with them, however horrible that may be.
You may fight them for days, weeks, months and then get tired. Because you can still feel them deep down, you just want them to go and you know the only way they will go is if you constantly fight to keep them down… But your tired. You give in just once. Just one hiccup. And there’s a moment of peace, your no longer fighting yourself, after the pain of trying to make them go away for so long, you were so close. But you just couldn’t hold on any longer. One hiccup turns into two, hen three, and before you know it your back in the swing and you realise how horrible it was to have them, and although it was so incredibly tough to fight them, you were fighting them. You were getting better.
You slip up, that’s okay. Because you’ve learnt how to control them, you know you can so it again. And you know to be free you have to fight every second of the day, giving in for just a second could make them so much worse so quickly.
But you know you can fight them. And as long as you keep focusing on keeping those hiccups at bay, they will eventually leave.
YOU CAN FIGHT YOUR ILLNESS. ITS TOUGH, YOU WILL SLIP UP. BUT YOU CAN DO IT. PERSISTENCE IS KEY. KEEP FIGHTING.
As if I wanted to have a mental illness. You wouldn’t say to a cancer patient ‘Why do you have cancer?’
shout out to people who are scared to call others out, whose hands shake when they try to explain what’s wrong, whose throats threaten to close up with thoughts of ‘what if i’m just overreacting’, whose hearts are pounding out of their chests because they just stuck their necks out for their beliefs, who have lost friends and respect and safety for aligning themselves with causes
When your anxieties follow you into your dreams and you can’t use sleep as an escape anymore
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